Feeling pretty good these days because I'm saving money at the grocery store. Every time we settle up with the cashier in our favorite grocery store we get a receipt that shows a "You Saved $___ Today!" entry. But I've never really tried to calculate or verify however much money I save. Saving from what? I just sort of take their word for it and silently pat myself on the back for being so successful in accumulating savings and walk out with my head held high and feeling proud. Unless, of course, the bagger gets pushy in asking if I need assistance to bring the groceries out to the car. I know they've got to ask but when I decline do they have to say, "Are you sure?" (Am I sure? Oh, you're damn right I'm sure! Get the hell out of my way is what I want to say but I'm too much of a gentleman [or wuss, maybe?] to do anything but smile and say "no thanks, I've got it)! When that happens, my proud savings glow morphs into senior citizen gloom because I take such offers as an insult. ("Me? You're asking ME if I need help wheeling my groceries to the car? Do I really look that pathetically old and feeble that I need help pushing a grocery cart out to the parking lot?") They've got a lot of nerve, those baggers. Now that I think about it maybe next time a bagger insults me like this I'll turn the tables on him or her and ask them to explain how "I Saved $___ Today." But, no, I'd better not because if they can explain it, it'll just mean they're smarter than I am and I'll be so embarrassed I'll probably give in to the cart pushing offer just to hide my shame. Listen up, if I sink that low to allow you to assist me then I've got a nice surprise for you Mr/Ms bagger person...I've got a cooler in my car for frozen and refrigerated items that my standard operating procedure requires immediate transfer from the bags to cold storage on ice. And I'm gonna' stand there and watch you do it to make sure it's done right! You want to help this feeble old man take his groceries out to his car then you've got to pack said groceries into his feeble old trunk in accordance with his feeble old rules! Frozen on the bottom, chilled on the top and don't mess up or I'm bringing the melted ice cream back for replacement. What do you think of that, huh, bagger person?
Now I'm not totally incompetent when it comes to monitoring my "Savings Today" itemizing. It's just that when you've totalled up with the cashier who hands you the receipt and wishes you a nice day and the bagger issues their insulting readiness to assist me and the customer behind me has their disgusting array of groceries (beets and lima beans? are you seriously going to eat that crap or are you taking it home for the pig trough?) spread out all over the conveyor belt and breathing down our necks, and I'm thinking, (Geez, is this what my life has come to; condescending baggers, bored and fake smiling cashiers, and idiotic shoppers who are probably "Saving $bundles Today" more than me because they buy stuff even the pigs are going to turn up their noses at so the store is literally giving away)? When "Today's Savings" notated receipt is presented, the ambiance of the check out line is such, that one doesn't really feel comfortable stopping and saying, "Well, how nice of you to point that out for me. I'm so happy I saved $___ today and I'm so happy I just might come back tomorrow and save some more if you'll just tell me how you arrived at the $___ figure. Please?" No this is not the time to do that. You can see the pig-feed shopper chomping at the bit and the cashier has turned and asked them if they found everything they needed okay, so you're just chopped liver in their bar code screening mind now, a forgotten memory in their history, and there's no time to chat with the bagger unless you've agreed to let them humiliate you and push your cart out to your car. You know you can't do that so gritting your teeth and swallowing your wrath you pleasantly as possible decline the offer for assistance and get the hell out of the way. This shopping tour is over except for sorting the refrigerated items into your cooler in the trunk of your car. If you're still feeling morose over the bagger's insult you can cheer yourself up by taking your sweet time loading the trunk, especially when someone else has backed up traffic in the parking lot waiting just for your prime parking spot. Now is the time to complete loading the trunk with your grocery booty and then pull out the receipt for an in depth true savings analysis. You know how much "You Saved Today" because it's right there in black and white. But...did they really ring up the BOGO's correctly? Make sure. And if they charged you twice for twofers that should have only been charged one time, well there you have it...close up the trunk and walk back into the store and get your bill adjusted. And do all this s-l-o-w-l-y so the poor sap who was waiting for your prime parking space will finally give up and find another spot to park.
